वेलापन (Joblessness)

The past couple of months have had there ups and downs. People equate this feeling with being on a roller coaster. I'm not sure the analogy fits. Roller coasters are fun at all times if your core packs intestines tightly. At least, there is the assurance of a stable end. My ride began with defending my thesis, meeting Noshi, going to the Grand Canyon. My figurative cart stood poised on that high, at that point. Since then, I applied for Post Doc jobs, got turned down on all of them; stepped out of a life; drove to Michigan for an interview, did well, met with good friends; got told in Michigan that any funding for my possible post doc position might be available only February; decided to join a local lab where a position was offered; that offer was retracted; and now, I've started fresh applications again.

So as it stands, I have three letters at the end of my name, but no job: an unfortunate circumstance which a lot of people share these days. My strategy to stay sane has been to keep myself occupied at all time. To fend off thoughts that might seed disappointment, hopelessness, frustration, resentment and remorse, I've become a Netflix and NPR podcast glutton. Books help but nothing beats complete audio visual immersion, as any eight year old will demonstrate. I rationalize such indolence by calling movies and TV series, audio visual books. I started working out again which brings peace to a storm-ravaged mindscape.

One such storm hit on the sly. On the second of October I got called into the boss's office. He tells me "I cannot pay you any longer and University rules are that if you can't be paid, you can't work. So you're welcome to visit the lab and hangout but I'll finish the remaining experiments on your paper." That very afternoon, the lab went for lunch that we planned in advance. At the end of lunch I was given a Goodbye/^&*% off gift. I was blindsided. And thus at the end of six years, I felt discarded as a चुस्की mango seed.

It's easy to lose it with such thoughts flitting about. And this was just one such thought. It's hard to talk to people outside the inner sanctum of your best friends, however long you've known them. What's to be said? No one likes to hear glum and sombre non-events. 

I find a routine helps me get through the day. Waking up at a fixed hour, having a morning ritual of making coffee and a curious fruit smoothie, checking email and then getting back to an activity that makes you happy and helps with your future. These could be applications, workouts, books, podcasts, netflix, cooking, cleaning and so on. Amma's obsession with keeping the house clean suddenly makes complete sense. I'm disabused of gender role preference stereotypes. I think of this time as a forced, unpaid vacation. I have no idea how people deal with solitary confinement lasting years in prisons. The very thought is mildly traumatizing. It's traumatizing because suddenly you have time to imagine and live out a thought in your mind. It's as close to experiencing a situation without physically doing so. It becomes so easy to make one's mind the proverbial 'Devil's workshop'. 

Nietzsche says solitude needs to be spent in self improvement. Preserving sanity becomes key to this endeavor. I hope this stage of वेलापन ends soon. I'm dying to be productively occupied once more. I'd much rather be working for free than sitting at home jobless. It's funny how one starts with a wishlist of things to do, with things that just won't be considered penned in in invisible ink, and as time passes the shades of ink reverse themselves. Just one item on that wishlist needs to materialize. We'll see when it happens.