Necessary Administrative Absurdities

Some of us recently got an email from a higher up at work. It set me off for a bit. I thought it was a disgrace to a profession such as mine, where driven people strive for years and years to a get relatively low paying jobs that mostly offer freedoms and security.

Rather than shoot back a bilious outrage of an email, I decided I'd take the reductio ad absurdum route. Because my feelings affect no one and nothing, I might as well have a bit of fun with the source of consternation. 

The email says things like " I completely understand academic freedom... but logging in and off with biometrics is mandatory... ". I have NEVER experienced this in the twenty years that I have been in different research and academic organisations in India and abroad, nor have I heard of it from my father. Having to log in is usually for people who come in to work for only for a pay-check, who would rather not come in at all if that was an option, like it is on the weekends or holidays. At least this has been my conceit. However, now that we are asked to do so, I will fall in line because there are bigger things at stake in the pursuit of science than a minor beuro-fascist step.

However... hehe... I would like to extend the instructions in the direction of its intention:

 "Further, to promote team spirit and cohesion within the organisation, we are hereby required to congregate in the lecture hall every morning. There will a pledge of allegiance to the parent organisation and its parent organisation, at which the allegiance stops. Our high leader ( I ) will share words to motivate each of to get though the coming day, week, month and year so that we may together rise and carry our nation with us on our wings. Daily attendance is mandatory. Separate biometrics will be arranged to record attendance of this assembly.

So that our growth is never inflicted with the perception of inequality, we will all be required to wear uniforms. Please find the specifications of the uniform attached. Expenses will be tax deductible on form 16. Deviations from these gentle mere words suggestions, are prohibited. Please remember that we wish to avoid only the perception of inequality. Pay scales will not change. You will not be provided overtime pay under any circumstances. 

To propagate this 'new zeal' you are now required to extend these rituals to your own groups. Clearly these must be conducted outside working hours, so as not to steal time away from work."

There was a bit that said "Young faculty are the backbone of our institution. Participation in institutional activities such as ... seminars... outreach... is required and will be assessed in the annual performance review." to which I would add:

" While young faculty are the backbone, in the age technological advances we are capable of replacing vertebral function. So do not expect to be massaged. Further, non-young faculty are not required to participate because they are not backbone material, they are more. Mid-level faculty are our muscles, late stage faculty are our brains, faculty close to retirement are our souls. Superannuated lingerers are our valued ghosts. They have performed all they could and now only whisper policy into Our ears.

Recently dissonance in the scientific needs of the nation and our own scientific goals has been registered. The nation needs technology to cure disease and route hunger. Therefore, pursuers of "fundamental" science in meaningless "model systems" should reconsider their research programmes. You were hired for your performance and creativity in research at the cutting edge of human knowledge, but must adapt to what the current Leader of our parent organisation's desires. This of course is tune with the need of the nation and must not be questioned. Further, human disease related research in mice and rats with cousins of actual parasites is perfectly acceptable."

I could go on, but humour is dangerous and often misinterpreted and misunderstood. 

Ah! that was a load off my chest. Turns out, unfortunately some individual was skiving off for weeks which is what prompted the email. While I will comply because these steps are required for, now-legitimate reasons, I still think there is a better way of dealing with the situation.