That’s what I was like fifteen years ago? 😱

 I just took a slight diversion into the past. Haven't done this in a while, probably because the future has sponged all my energies.

I hope faint hearted others do not dare.

Some old emails that I wrote in my early twenties just horrified me. Those were unhappy times. Some of what I wrote to people was plain nasty. I have written terrible things to friends. 

Incidentally, I have zero recollection of doing so. Knowing me and the way I think I now, those were reactions to terrible disappointments of some sort.

When I think of why some people do not stay in touch, I imagine they were just bored of my angsty, sorry venting that had nothing to do with them. My memories are of me being a tortured protagonist. Having read three emails, maybe I was a jerk.

The question is, do I want to delve into more emails and entirely reassess my memories? Do I have the energy and time right now, and what good would it do me?

One option would be to use rules of life that have worked in these past five years and forget about past events: Remember the formula and forget failed experiments; Keep the distillate and throw out toxins; Look at the mirror now, not the saved image. Further: do not design experiments to fail; Generate no more toxins; Keep that mirror and oneself clean.

The benefit here is that one can move forward with the correct intentions and means.

The thought of moving on is convenient at this time. At a later date with a stouter heart and time, I'll make a list of people to whom I owe apologies. That date will probably be when I am no longer using my present productively.

Till then, breathe, think and keep stepping forward. Life is not as long as it seemed twenty years ago, the path looks clearer though with similar uncertainty, and much remains to be achieved.