19 till I die

This morning, after some good work at the bench, two people working with me wanted to discuss something. This wasn't the regular, I'm not sure how to do this experiment, or have those flies arrived?, or can I take the day off ? This was one of those sombre sit downs. First, they both asked for time off. I thought to myself "Phew... That was easy." I was happy to get going from there, but a heavy question followed. One of them said they wanted to pursue a PhD in cancer biology. "OK, they are leaving this group I guess.". But then one of them spoke about how much they want to do a PhD and nothing has panned out in many many years and that it was too late, and that they are dependent on their fiancé, and how much that is a burden on their conscience, and they've tried many different fields, and they want to stay in academics and not go to industry... The stream of thought was unbroken, and gained strength like their tears. Finally they asked "What...

This question is not new. People have questioned each other and themselves before. My wife asked me where I am from this week. My coworkers weighed in. Their opinions about where I am from differed from mine. I couldn’t change their mind. Our marriage was arranged. My parents wanted me to marry someone in our own community. Here’s how we think of ourselves. My community is rabidly vegetarian. We eat no onion or garlic. People I know won’t eat jackfruit or mushrooms because they look like meat. There are festivals we celebrate in addition to Holi and Diwali in a very traditional, and to me, very dear way. Our roots lie in Agra district. And can’t really tell you what other badges and sashes I think we wear. Two generations separate me from Bateshwar, the village which my grandfather left behind for Indore. Papa left Indore about 15 years before I was born. Papa is fond of Indore, rather of what Indore was. Amma grew up in Lucknow and doesn’t speak fondly of it. She speaks only...

I'm writing this out at the start of a work day. It could be because of a story on this American life I heard about an imminent death in some other family. It could be because, though I've been in the same country as my parents, I haven't had a chance to stay with them for more than a total of five days. The feeling of being with family is dearer to me than all parties and thrills of flirtation put together. With Amma, Papa and Noshi there is a sense of predictability that comes from familiarity. I know how much to say and when to be quiet. I know the jokes that Papa will appreciate and ones Noshi will. Listening to Amma gives me a sense of purpose in itself. It doesn't look like anyone else ever does. The predictability was the monotony I wanted to run away from when college began. I seek it now. Though we talk on the phone everyday, it's less than satisfying. I think of how Papa and his siblings hangout when we get together at weddings. Papa is the middle chil...

It was Republic Day yesterday. My heart swells with pride and my eyes well with tears when I hear a crowd singing "Jana Gana Mana". Whistling Vande Mataram gives me the same peace as prayer. I've expressed often how much I like being in my country, with my people, my languages, my music and food. My stay abroad reminded me how much I need them in my life. There'd be talk in the ether, never in my immediate surroundings, how foreigners shouldn't come to our great nation, in the US. We all, my colleagues and friends of any background, thought of people as ignorant and closed minded. And yet, I didn't know I had a bit of Xenophobia in me. The other day, about a month go, in IIT Kanpur, some friends and I were lounging over coffee. There was a caucasian gentleman at a table nearby. I was telling some story about accents... or the tightness of families... or something else, I can't remember. I described someone of English descent as Firangi. A friend of min...

In this day and age where finding a spouse is tough, (or has is always been so?) bowing to the needs of the family complicates matters. I hold the need to keep my parents close to me throughout my life, very close to my heart. And yet, I don't see how they can possibly judge for me who would best be my companion for life. And so, we've agreed on their suggesting girls that they approve of and me speaking to them for some length time to know whether we click. Through this process, I met someone who is, what I thought was all I can ask for in a girl. I mentioned to close cousins that all I ask is a workable roommate. Talking to people has corrected that notion. The girl I was speaking of, picked the profession she wanted to pursue early on, studied in lofty institutions, is independent and knows what she wants from life. Dream spouse, if you had asked me many months ago. When we met, no sparks flew on either side. To expect them to have, would have been adolescent. Thanks t...

A good first impression is easy to make, Sustaining it is the problem.

Waking up in summers across the world means different things. In Delhi, if you sleep on the roof in a mosquito net, you wake up drowning in your sweat. On a jute string cot in Khategaon district in Madhya Pradesh, you wake up at 5 to flies droning loudly around your face. The flies must've been explorers in their last incarnation. They love the uncharted territory of your nostrils. In Sweden, you can see the Sun. Isn't that nice!? The Sun is not much of a problem here, in Bengaluru like it is say, in Hyderabad. Waking up in Bengaluru summers can be like waking up in a season different from the one in which you slept. I remember my first day in the new flat I rented. The landlord overlooked putting the fans up. It was a sultry night. Opening all the windows helped with ventilation a little, at least from the sides where a building doesn't stand at a handshake distance. The one hallway in the flat, between the bedroom and living room seemed coolest. That's where I spre...

Deeptanu admits it to me in confidence. He's lonely. One can only admit this over a drink and despondency. So do about ten other friends who are literally half a world away from home, who aren't married yet. He was morose over beers yesterday. Years ago, we'd sit around lustily admiring girls who're smart and beautiful from a distance. The distance has been self imposed and self enforced. Deeptanu, the stupid bum gets attached easily and blames Bollywood movies and shayari for carrying his heart on his sleeve. Hence the distance. Never having seen real romance between adults, he bit the bullet and decided to experiment with online dating, six months ago. Which may not have been a good time, really. He couldn't have known. It was a whirlwind online romance. They started talking on a Wednesday and Deeptanu had her phone number by Thursday afternoon. Deeptanu was suspicious of how quickly this had progressed. He in fact wanted to Skype to make sure he was talking t...

Incidents, events, sights and conversations from the past, both enthrall and torment me. None more so than those from my time in Dallas. I'd say it was because they are the most recent, but I'd be failing to acknowledge their vast spectrum. My mindscape has seen seasons of all feelings. My brain tends to filter in good memories. I wanted to process and air brush Dallas in my head as soon as possible. The past couple of months in Kansas City with my brother have helped me unwind and given me that familiness I really needed. They say reliving and reinforcing memories can change them. I see nothing wrong in using this phenomenon to my advantage. By choosing to do my favorite things in Dallas, I reinforced the happiness they brought me. By omitting things I disliked, I'd bury those memories without an obituary. Ze Milonga : Big D's Tango scene has remained pretty consistent over the years: Big, and fairly unchanging. I remember a new out of town dancer saying, she fel...

Poema, She would lay on a page With infinite ease Crafted, coiffed and poised On a linguistic trapeze. She has a beat She has a rhythm She has style She has substance Her every syllable Lives in memory, indelible. She swings on emotions Giving meaning to being Cradling the thoughts I just wasn't seeing. Her words are warm Her words are kisses  Her words are dreamy To all she caresses. Don't hide in my mindscape, Let me give birth to you. For this page is barren, With no semblance of you. Her form is delicate, Her form just fits. For a thought remiss Just kills the bliss. My perfect Poema, I yearn for you. You float in the ether Amidst the stars somewhere. Come here from the heavens, And be forever near.

I wonder how many of you have similar experiences with friends. Ascent and King of Blue are two people I've known since I was two. I've always felt very close to them, though not always been very close to them. Different classes and schools will do that to you. And yet, I really feel they're my brothers from other mothers. I haven't spent that much time with them in the past decade and yet whenever we meet we devolve into the same pubescent jokes and silly laughter that we always have.  In college all of us hung out a lot. Ghodi was this regal figure with rich tastes and expensive upbringing. Brightness was warm on the inside but scorched people within earshot on the outside. Good-peaceful was never ever at peace. The Patient One has to be the most restless man I have ever seen. J and J were completely different personalities and joint at the hip for some reason. Similarly Twilight and Jasmine stemmed from the same pot. Mind truly had a mind of her own and sha...

The past couple of months have had there ups and downs. People equate this feeling with being on a roller coaster. I'm not sure the analogy fits. Roller coasters are fun at all times if your core packs intestines tightly. At least, there is the assurance of a stable end. My ride began with defending my thesis, meeting Noshi, going to the Grand Canyon. My figurative cart stood poised on that high, at that point. Since then, I applied for Post Doc jobs, got turned down on all of them; stepped out of a life; drove to Michigan for an interview, did well, met with good friends; got told in Michigan that any funding for my possible post doc position might be available only February; decided to join a local lab where a position was offered; that offer was retracted; and now, I've started fresh applications again. So as it stands, I have three letters at the end of my name, but no job: an unfortunate circumstance which a lot of people share these days. My strategy to stay sane has ...

A tree... acorns, nuts and slugs A sunny day and a juicy bug. Dew on blades of grass, shines. By 'Black-Ground-with-strips-of-snow' Sit snacks in skin that is hard to tear Some such skins lying just everywhere. How I love these Iron deer With strange round rubber hooves Mumma said to stay away But they leave the best snacks everyday. Food is where the fun is I'll head over for a peck. Squirrel's head is lying dead. 'Black-Ground-with-strips-of-snow' Looks smeared with all his blood. Is it his blood or the Hawks's? Whose feathers look strewn about? He came to snack on Squirrel's keister Like he did at my sister. Or is it Deer's, whose tail I see At the end of red rope Piled outside his belly. It has to be old Skunk's, I still smell his fury. I won't get too close to Black-Ground-with-strips-of-snow. Though I'd still like to know Why only Black Ground has strips of snow. I see...

As years whizz past, I subscribe to the notion of randomness. Succinctly put, $#!+ happens. Concepts of pride, hope and wishes in adult human life, appear evermore futile. It appears that human behavior and fortune are an outcome of genetics, the environment in which we grew up, physiology and random circumstances that we face. As invigorating the thought of being "masters of our fate" is, too many untold life stories speak otherwise. Shelf me in any religious, Shakespearian or Nietzschian system of philosophy you may, I say the genesis of these memes was foreseeable to start with. However, I have no idea what to make of my dreams: these silly galavanting electrical romps in circuits of neurons, while consciousness sleeps. Some of my dreams have been very vivid, almost as though, I've been inside someone's head while they live heir lives. Please don't judge me for what I say next. Some dreams, have born a remarkable likeness to small episodes in my life to c...

We had a little break room conversation today. We are colleagues that have worked together for around five years, and hangout a lot and know each others families. Two of us were male and two were female (states to which none of us have any contribution to). We have joked at several occasions about a vast variety of things: from silly jokes, language puns, accents, funny situations, funny remarks in odd contexts, raunchy stuff and occasional harmless banter based on communities. We have always laughed together and to this day we have never taken umbrage to non-PC jokes. Privately, I find amusement in a lot of things. A lot of events when viewed askance in the right angle are giggle-worthy. That, I believe is the beauty of humour. Most jokes that make people laugh out loud are at somebody's expense. The popularity of legendary stand up comedians, specially contemporary ones is a testament to that. The propriety of a joke is of course a function of context and audience. Jokes th...

I find it notable how discourses on how life should or can be lived are often unburdened by context. I guess that is when need for commentaries and allegory becomes most obvious. Again, I do not claim to be a theologian, just someone interested in why religious/philosophical memes survive through scripture for so long. I attempted to read the the Hindi translation of the Gita. I have been able to read only three chapters. Partially I attribute my failure to go any further to the sheer incompatibility of the teachings with modern life, as I perceive. As far as I read, the Gita says all our actions should be geared towards becoming one with God. As stated this thesis seems strangely abstracted from the realities of life. My cousin Nonu Bhaiyya says that's because I'm reading a very advanced book on a subject for which I'm barely equipped with the basics. Point taken. I'll continue to read more and try an take what I can from it. I've recently been reading 'T...

You may have already seen this video . You're probably thinking it's been a week of talking about the same thing over and over. Maybe you think it shouldn't be as big of deal because I am not the first and definitely not the last of the millions who have already been or will go to the biggest hole in the earth. In my defense I state, some thoughts and experiences need words to be pictured and conveyed. Especially, if you may the kind to sit around imagining water horses and sunshine in a bottle. I had been looking forward to this trek since I came to the US. Before that, it was never within reach. The magnificence and scale of North American landscapes was sequestered in pictures and Geography textbooks. After the Big Bend I almost certainly thought we'd be able to go to the Grand Canyon soon. That was two years ago. Maybe this was fated to be my soul cleansing exercise after defending my PhD. Then again, is life a Shakespearian proverbial play where we are pawns, o...

Two days ago, I defended my PhD Thesis . And just like that I get to add "Ph.D" after or "Dr" before my name. In many ways one wonders if the title matters. But why give up on title if you're being offered one. I thought I be inspired by AC DC and go around yelling "P H D... I'm Dynamite! PHD!!" What prevails however is tremendous relief: that it's over and that I can move on.  These past six years have been full of all kinds of education. In research I've learnt there are never enough controls for an experiment. In addition to research, a lot of life happened in the lab. People making science happen, people getting in the way of science and that nature doesn't conform to the whims of people. I won't philosophize it right now though I have a license to :D The next step is waiting to be found. I don't have a job yet because the labs I'm interested in either don't have space or or don't have money. It's t...

One mild January afternoon, I sat on a rock in the lawns at school. The stream flowing by, clean for this time of the year, gurgled in with childish whir. Sunshine stroking my face warmly, felt like an ethereal comforter. The brown lawn patched with gold, a little like my beard, sat under a blue grey sky, filled with sleek and tall clouds glided to the East like the office crowd rushing home. The stream reflected sweet sunshine. Its ripples and waves danced like harmonics on gold membranes. I thought it would be nice to have a bottle of this sunshine to carry around like a lamp, instead of the cellphone flashlight. It would be equally nice to have a horse, like any other in every respect, but made of water. It could gallop across the lawn misting passersby like the barber readying you for a haircut. That's always been my favorite part of the haircut. The horse would never need a haircut of course because the silvery mane and tail of water would be quite dazzlin...

Will she consider? Life, just got real... again. I'll hopefully graduate with a PhD soon. The last time it got real was when I was about to finish my Masters and had no idea where life will take me. I was crapping bricks because I wasn't sure what kind of letters I'd get from my Boss for my applications to grad school. The metaphor is apt, I assure you. Before that, I was crapping bricks (very apt again, though it doesn't do justice to intensity), when I didn't know whether I'd make it to a decent university for my masters. This time... I really can't say where my luck and past nearly six years in this lab will take me. The normal, strong minded reaction would be to swallow your apprehension, see where life turns and make the best of that situation. Survival and thriving in whatever situation you are, makes you evolutionarily viable, for several generations. But then, I'm the kind of person who knows a good blogpost when he conceives it, most of the ...