19 till I die

As years whizz past, I subscribe to the notion of randomness. Succinctly put, $#!+ happens. Concepts of pride, hope and wishes in adult human life, appear evermore futile. It appears that human behavior and fortune are an outcome of genetics, the environment in which we grew up, physiology and random circumstances that we face. As invigorating the thought of being "masters of our fate" is, too many untold life stories speak otherwise. Shelf me in any religious, Shakespearian or Nietzschian system of philosophy you may, I say the genesis of these memes was foreseeable to start with. However, I have no idea what to make of my dreams: these silly galavanting electrical romps in circuits of neurons, while consciousness sleeps. Some of my dreams have been very vivid, almost as though, I've been inside someone's head while they live heir lives. Please don't judge me for what I say next. Some dreams, have born a remarkable likeness to small episodes in my life to c...

We had a little break room conversation today. We are colleagues that have worked together for around five years, and hangout a lot and know each others families. Two of us were male and two were female (states to which none of us have any contribution to). We have joked at several occasions about a vast variety of things: from silly jokes, language puns, accents, funny situations, funny remarks in odd contexts, raunchy stuff and occasional harmless banter based on communities. We have always laughed together and to this day we have never taken umbrage to non-PC jokes. Privately, I find amusement in a lot of things. A lot of events when viewed askance in the right angle are giggle-worthy. That, I believe is the beauty of humour. Most jokes that make people laugh out loud are at somebody's expense. The popularity of legendary stand up comedians, specially contemporary ones is a testament to that. The propriety of a joke is of course a function of context and audience. Jokes th...

I find it notable how discourses on how life should or can be lived are often unburdened by context. I guess that is when need for commentaries and allegory becomes most obvious. Again, I do not claim to be a theologian, just someone interested in why religious/philosophical memes survive through scripture for so long. I attempted to read the the Hindi translation of the Gita. I have been able to read only three chapters. Partially I attribute my failure to go any further to the sheer incompatibility of the teachings with modern life, as I perceive. As far as I read, the Gita says all our actions should be geared towards becoming one with God. As stated this thesis seems strangely abstracted from the realities of life. My cousin Nonu Bhaiyya says that's because I'm reading a very advanced book on a subject for which I'm barely equipped with the basics. Point taken. I'll continue to read more and try an take what I can from it. I've recently been reading 'T...

You may have already seen this video . You're probably thinking it's been a week of talking about the same thing over and over. Maybe you think it shouldn't be as big of deal because I am not the first and definitely not the last of the millions who have already been or will go to the biggest hole in the earth. In my defense I state, some thoughts and experiences need words to be pictured and conveyed. Especially, if you may the kind to sit around imagining water horses and sunshine in a bottle. I had been looking forward to this trek since I came to the US. Before that, it was never within reach. The magnificence and scale of North American landscapes was sequestered in pictures and Geography textbooks. After the Big Bend I almost certainly thought we'd be able to go to the Grand Canyon soon. That was two years ago. Maybe this was fated to be my soul cleansing exercise after defending my PhD. Then again, is life a Shakespearian proverbial play where we are pawns, o...

Two days ago, I defended my PhD Thesis . And just like that I get to add "Ph.D" after or "Dr" before my name. In many ways one wonders if the title matters. But why give up on title if you're being offered one. I thought I be inspired by AC DC and go around yelling "P H D... I'm Dynamite! PHD!!" What prevails however is tremendous relief: that it's over and that I can move on.  These past six years have been full of all kinds of education. In research I've learnt there are never enough controls for an experiment. In addition to research, a lot of life happened in the lab. People making science happen, people getting in the way of science and that nature doesn't conform to the whims of people. I won't philosophize it right now though I have a license to :D The next step is waiting to be found. I don't have a job yet because the labs I'm interested in either don't have space or or don't have money. It's t...

One mild January afternoon, I sat on a rock in the lawns at school. The stream flowing by, clean for this time of the year, gurgled in with childish whir. Sunshine stroking my face warmly, felt like an ethereal comforter. The brown lawn patched with gold, a little like my beard, sat under a blue grey sky, filled with sleek and tall clouds glided to the East like the office crowd rushing home. The stream reflected sweet sunshine. Its ripples and waves danced like harmonics on gold membranes. I thought it would be nice to have a bottle of this sunshine to carry around like a lamp, instead of the cellphone flashlight. It would be equally nice to have a horse, like any other in every respect, but made of water. It could gallop across the lawn misting passersby like the barber readying you for a haircut. That's always been my favorite part of the haircut. The horse would never need a haircut of course because the silvery mane and tail of water would be quite dazzlin...

Will she consider? Life, just got real... again. I'll hopefully graduate with a PhD soon. The last time it got real was when I was about to finish my Masters and had no idea where life will take me. I was crapping bricks because I wasn't sure what kind of letters I'd get from my Boss for my applications to grad school. The metaphor is apt, I assure you. Before that, I was crapping bricks (very apt again, though it doesn't do justice to intensity), when I didn't know whether I'd make it to a decent university for my masters. This time... I really can't say where my luck and past nearly six years in this lab will take me. The normal, strong minded reaction would be to swallow your apprehension, see where life turns and make the best of that situation. Survival and thriving in whatever situation you are, makes you evolutionarily viable, for several generations. But then, I'm the kind of person who knows a good blogpost when he conceives it, most of the ...

Ragestorms on my Mindscape My Mindscape, a living breathing land, grows and sprouts ideas and emotions. In a dynamic balance Between three fiefs One of Peace The other of Pleasure The third where Putrescence thrives. They grow, they shrink At each others' cost. Ideas are born and emotions emerge Ideas disperse and emotions are buried Lurking incessantly like phantoms, Their aggregate is seldom lost. They grow in Peace  And animate Pleasure They subsume, consume and thrive on each other. In this indelicate balance remains An unstable ecosystem of my Mindscape. In bouts of extroversion, I split the skies or let it rain Then shut it all, in dark, dank pain. Summer came by and beamed. Once balmy, then sultry With sensuous, sunny, warm rain And a rainbow shone above. Pleasure flourished With crops of joy, With harvests of stupor In a happy haze,  Gushed complacent gutters. So, Putrescence too made gains, Wai...

A Venom of a different strength In breaths of different strengths, Light as I felt when she smiled, Heavy as she smiled at another, Knowing each time, who it was. The cycle rolls over, and over. I inhale every time. The stench was of love, That rotted like a bright picked apple The one apple which felt special Not knowing how many lay beside it Not in a crate for memories But a casket to elsewhere. I have loved blossoms, Each one of them, Buds that bloom, And please many. There she was, stumped by the other That other, a connoisseur of nectar There she sat, full in bloom Waiting, glistening, oozing, Perfusing her aura with glee with a secret wish to wilt. Whole patches like that one, Luring everyone that passes, Taken only by an imagined perfection. Whole patches have wilted, And I, have watched. There she was, Almost bearing fruit Her fragrance was once touching There was solace in her feel The solace ...

Dear You, I hope you don't mind being the recipient of a long email. Sort of felt like writing something. :) I just recently went on nice road trip. I needed to get away from things. It's amazing what kind of a degenerate, self cannibalizing rut people get themselves into. I did for sure. But anyway, I found, like many others have, driving is a wonderful way of getting your mind off things. Literally, your mind needs to be on, the, road. Anything less and that you'll be smusch in no time. America is a good continent to drive. You drive and drive and drive all day and not see the same scene again. That again, is subjective. You could drive and drive and drive all day and still be in the middle of nowhere Texas where everything is flat and dry and just like Oklahoma... or Arkansas or New Mexico. :D But then again, it's enough to make you stop thinking of what you thought would happen. The only transition I saw was when between Missouri and Illinois. The rain helped....

Venom In that room, that big room That big room with light and breeze Where bright minds strutted,babbled and cackled With the grace of ibises And agility of hawks The beauty of peacocks And seductive persuation of Koels I sat, in the back and breathed it all. They could say,  What they already know. That we do not know That we don't know it all. In stead they're grandiose Like their sires and mentors Convinced their half truths,  Are magnificent edicts, Edicts of an imagined reality A truth we pretend to clasp. Just so that we can say to next man, It is now in my grasp, And still not yours to have. I breathed the stench of pettiness Of an ailing noble endeavour, Its spirit pickled in vanity. The stench of a macabre dance On the slime of ignorance The semi dirt of half knowledge In a rain of pretense, A fetid play of power, The violation of truth In an obscene mist of joy. I imagined it different, My n...

Who do I tell about the moon now?

Venu s Embittered by the Moon I sit by myself and mope Not feeling love again Sitting here with no hope. I wanted a smile and warmth. Venus gave me that and more Her warmth caressed me in stupefied sadness, In the isolation of being away from home, The abject loneliness of being alone. Venus knows she has it all Many a poet have noticed. The artists won't stop, The sculptors' jaws drop, Stargazers remain fixated. She pervaded my thoughts, Nearly seeped into my heart. That seared some scars, That have been opened before. The Moon was like that, Glowing over many skies Glinting in admirers' eyes Turning stony resolve to dust. My eyes had glinted My soul was splinted Until I could trust no more. Venus, I don't blame you You tried and tired Never getting the trust you desired  And shot right off my sky. You'll shine your rubor And sink men in stupo...

I don't know why I'm blogging this I gave a work presentation recently. It was well received and applauded. I was happy. A lot of work was shown investigating a stunning new finding. The finding is beautiful, the results I showed were consistent and the experiments were tight. But, a certain sadness and annoyance persists past the sprinkle of glory. The annoyance comes from having been told exclude data that does not fit in the picture that is currently taking shape, because it is not fully interpretable. Significant, high resolution data that at the moment was put in the backup slides, because the error bars were too large. In addition, I was asked to remove details to show a simple trend: take away data points to make a graph look linear, almost like adding a trendline. Further, I was told to remove data in which no obvious pattern emerges... because there was too much detail. It has to be made crystal clear that no unethical manipulation of data occurred. It was ...

Dream Series-2 Whether it was the three mugs of coffee and and heavy lunch before the siesta, an odd sleeping position or wonky mattress I don't know. This afternoon I had the oddest dream, bordering on psychedelia. I was on a bus with my parents. This was no ordinary bus. We were the only ones on it. It was like a big wide room with bright, off-white hidden lighting like a corporate board room. The seats had the same colour of the light.  They looked firm, but felt like cushion air. That's right, this dream incorporated the sense of touch. The seats were partitioned such that each person was half an arms length away, and pointed in the direction we were driving. Papa said something about a conference he was taking Amma and me to. I looked up ahead. This bus was moving on a strange landscape. I could only see flatness all the way to the horizon in front of us. We were gliding along on a two lane highway, the bus taking up both lanes and nothing moved in sight, except that str...

It's been a bumpy ride, Science. But this ain't over yet. You just made my hair stand on end... again.

In Conversation Me: "We're cool. I'm not keeping accounts." Person B: "You're a good man." Me smugly: "I know!" Person B: "I take it back." Me: "I still know." :)

In my bed solemnly I lie Thinking of how time flies It's been seven years  Since Sushrut was my roommate Together we studied, roamed and ate Today he called to say His Dad's lungs are filled with fluid That Cancer is gargling them away I feel his pain I feel his angst The misery of tied hands I spoke to Dhhakkin recently I've known him since I was three We've cracked the same jokes Shared interest in birds Had nothing in common And still been brothers The day he got a job  The day he got a raise I thanked powers that be At least some justice I got to see Amma's smile and Papa's jokes Noshi's rants and profound thoughts Support my being, in my inner space And then there are people to deal with Who are fickle and unkindred We chat We joke We congratulate each others' acheivements We revel in profundity Somewhere, sometime I learnt This cheer is affected The lesson made life simpler And yet you are as protected From...

                               Dreams Series - 1  I LOVE dancing and tango is such a refined experience. Fine people looking oh so fine swiveling to subtle melodies is charming, relaxing and leaves a sweet buzz. You see beautiful, you hear mellifluous, touch warmth and you inhale human and the body integrates these sensations into soulful rhythms. There is more life in each second on the dance floor than say, in the lab. With these sensations, and the cigar after, I went to bed. And a  very  vivid   dream  blanketed my being. It was a strange  dream . I was in a room by myself. It was a sparsely furnished hall. It was definitely homely and comfy by me. The sun shone softly through what looked like lacy curtains. Someone came in to get the place ready for my stay, and left. He gave me a sense that it was a temple's accommodation. Made sense, the place looke...